Hey... I've come across someone's blog that I read quite often. It's pretty interesting. Her name is Karen, lives in the Philipines and writes now and then for a devotional called Holy Siopao (which stands for Holy Bread - Siopao I think is like sweet buns in Chinese). She's also a web designer too so her page is very sweet to the eyes.

:: Jesse 10:25 AM

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Lalalalalalalalalalalalalala I'm DONE!!!...

Lalalalalalalalalalalalalala the Matrix

Lalalalalalalalalalalalalala Priscilla coming up this weekend

Lalalalalalalalalallalalalala Yay the weather will be nice!

Lalalalalalalalallalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala it's raining right now but ahhh so refreshing!!!

11 Exams DONE!!!

:: Jesse 10:20 AM

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My poor fellow classmate is dying. Our last exam is tmrw!!!

:: Jesse 11:59 PM

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A First Year of Dentistry in Retrospect - What people will probably be asking me once I get back home. "How is dentistry?"

Wow. It's incredible how fast time passes. I can remember so vividly the overwhelming feeling of 4 exams in 5 days. Now I only have one more exam left! Woohoo! I think for some reason there will be a withdrawl period for me from studying. Why? Perhaps everything in recent times has been dictated by my time spent studying. That means that my time away from my studying is much coveted (watching Smallville, doing some designing, playing some pool, getting a French Capaccino everyday and biking to the library) only during this period, and otherwise in a different situation I would feel like I was wasting money and wasting my time doing these leisure activities. Like after a long day of studying, you can run into your apartment, turn on the TV, sit and watch and eat pop tarts at 11:00pm and not feel guilty because the rest of the day was spent productively.

So what now? What will happen when I finish my exams and from then on I really don't have an excuse to lounge around and do all those things and spend all that money? Billy and I have been playing pool everyday (~3 games each night) before we run and catch that bus to go home.

This brings me to an issue that I've thought about for quite a while. The topic is this whole sense of "deserving". We always reward ourselves for doing hard work by having an ice cream, or a game of pool, or a trip to the internet on a break. My whole study patterns ever since grade 9 have been like this: Study hard, go crazy, knowing that in about an hour I can go and take a lil break. But this whole issue of deserving something almost puts us ready to receive something after we've accomplished something. Is that right? I mean, a bunch of people are telling me (upper years from Dentistry) to take my summer easy because either I've worked really hard this year (which is not the case this term), or that next year will be extremely tough, or hey, I'm set cuz I'm a dentist. That doesn't seem to settle well, knowing that procrastination and laziness are quite sinful and habitual. After hearing this day in and day out, I've started to accept this "deserving" and already my plans for summer are very uneventful and not quite planned out. I wonder if God is pleased? Wait... I know He wouldn't be, because I've just told Him that I'm content with doing nothing.

I guess that's one of the qualms being in a profession where you're expected to make lots of money in the future. You're almost excused in your spending habits because you'll be able to pay it off in the future (so line of credit skyrockets), you're excused in your friendships because you're so busy all the time... as well as many other exceptions. Gosh, does circumstance always dictate truth? I wish it weren't so. Remembering back to the beginning of the year when I was so set on maintaining my ground and beliefs, I realize in retrospect after a year of dentistry that daily those values are attacked and reshaped into the oblivious majority. Yeah. So how was first year dentistry? What I just said I guess.

:: Jesse 4:24 PM

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Blogger - an end to the pen and paper?

I was just reading Erica's blog about how blogger has removed her from her journal. I actually just bought a journal today (before reading her entry). This nice, silver, prestine looking thing seems to draw me to actually use a nice pen and write some real meaningful thoughts instead of blabber in my old lab book converted journal (complete with graphs on spectrophotometry!)

It's true. Blogger does take away from that time necessary to pick up a pen and write down your thoughts. I attempted to start journalling on my computer, but the very same thought as Erica popped into my head... what would happen if my computer were to crash? The only way my written journals would go lost would be in a fire (that's much less likely) or stolen or lost. A computer is great, it lets you type extremely fast, search through all your entries to find specific words, and can store much more than a bounded journal can. But it's almost like digital photography versus traditional photography. In digital photography, there isn't much skill required anymore. You can take a dozen of pictures instead of perhaps 3 on a regular camera. Digital photography loses a lot of the detail, the awe and the invaluable worth compared to that of a slide print which took time, effort, skill and money.

The Lord seems to speak stronger to me when I pick up that pen and write stuff down. Why? Maybe because my mind isn't so distracted by the colours, by the keyboard, by the ICQ at the bottom of the screen, by the mass amount of information that I just put on the screen among my babbling... God seems to like to work in quiet, work in less distraction (unless he SCREAMS) and a pen and paper almost puts you into that realm, ready to think deeply and be ready to receive what God may want to tell you at the time. Gosh... my right hand can't even withstand writing longer than 45 minutes! Aiya... my precious dentist hands... bleah...

Blogger also seems to remove the intimacy of a conversation with people. I know that there's very little time to tell one about all the cool stuff that happens during the year, and I guess that's what Blogger is for, to inform, to keep up to date... that's what internet is all about right? Keeping in touch... but what is lost is the utter expression of joy, the expression of the smile, the expression of tears, and even the response of the reader. Blogger will always be limited in that way, but it is definitely the spark that can lead into something deeper!

:: Jesse 2:10 PM

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Part 4 - The Veil was Torn - WORSHIP
We can all relate to those days that we worship so freely. There doesn't seem to be anything hindering us is there? I remember nights I'd sit in my room, close the door, grab my guitar, open some scripture, and just sing and shout praises and thanksgiving to my Father. There'd be moments in which spontaneous shouts of praise and lyrics would come pouring out my mouth. Good eh?

Then we all relate to those moments when things start to diverge and we get caught up with other things. Instead of worshipping my Lord, I get all preoccupied with Triple Strums, chord progressions, distractions, how good I can make the tone of my voice, start recording things, playing with my capo, loosing all sense of the meaning of worship, and well... you can spell in the rest. I always thought musical ability was a double edged sword.

That's when I was approached to be worship coordinator for the following year for ACF at Western. I had never been a worship coordinator officially, and my first reaction was to just make up some excuses and pass on the responsibility to someone else. Another thought that popped up in my mind was that I still not given the Lord full credit for all the gifts he had given me. Sure it took a lot of practice, years of grit and hours lost, but in the end, it was the Lord that blessed the finance to afford lessons, it was the Lord that makes the blood run through my veins, the reflexes and programmed responses to the strings and the intonation... it was the Lord that inspired the music that I played anyways... and it was the Lord that gave me all my faculties, not for my own glory, but for His!!! My calouses. Even the calouses on my fingers belong to the Lord. Without them I'd be crying out in pain. But what was most important was that my heart belonged to the Lord.

And so I took upon this position, but the struggle of all struggles was still within me, the hero complex to show EVERYONE what worship was about... and that is not my role, but the role of the Holy Spirit. On April 10th, the Lord got a hold of me and showed me in the most intimate way the meaning and purpose of worship. I must claim that I don't know everything about worship, and I must remind myself that I don't, but I have come to such a deeper understanding of worship. The Veil has been torn. What does this mean? All my life I knew about that biblical truth, about the Veil separating God and us because of our sin existed in the Holy Tabernacle where the Lord resided in the Holy of Holies. I know that when Jesus died, that Veil tore straight down from top to bottom. What I didn't know in my heart was that the veil representing all my sin and flesh was also torn when Jesus died 2000 years ago, and that all the barriers to worship HAVE been removed! I mean, they really aren't there. The sinful man and all his inabilities to worship were fulfilled when Christ died on the cross! That means, there is no VEIL at all!

Oh how I always viewed worship from afar, seeing myself from the audience, as a man trying to find the opening in the curtain on stage... fumbling around, punching through the curtain, and after much frustration find the opening to the curtains and jump on stage, "Here I am to Worship!!!" But all along, there was never no curtain to fumble through. I always thought there was. Instead, Jesus lives within us and we are at all times worshipping God, and the Holy Spirit is worshipping at all times! Why? Because he just does that. If I were to map out my worship with the Lord, it cuts off a whole part of the journey that has already been trodded by Christ 2000 years ago. We only need but realize this.

I find myself at times calling out to the Father with words of love without having to try. I think that's the power of the Holy Spirit when he says "Cease striving and know that I am God." (or in the NIV version which shows only half of the detail: Be still and know that I am God). So why then, why then just the other day did I feel exhausted in praising the Lord, inadequate, and beaten on the road? My answer to this point is this. We still live in the world, are still afflicted by exhaustion, by habits (which the Lord has already given us the power to overcome, but we still latch onto them like habits), and by hopelessness. God reminds us that as much as it seems that we need to come to worship Him, once we just make that first step to Him He takes us Right into the Holy of Holies. Worship as much as it seems like our response to God is also guided by God's response to the Holy Spirit inside of us.

Pretty deep eh? Well it's actually pretty simple because it means that we don't have to do much cause it's all been done anways!

:: Jesse 1:59 PM

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Gosh. I have an exam tomorrow and I'm writing out these words. Gosh. You can only take so much genetics anyways right?

Part 3 - And the Lord Pruned Me - WORSHIP

Something started to happen. I don't know exactly when, exactly where, but it did. Whenever people ask me nowadays what I cherish the most, I would have to say Sunday Night Bible Studies. What are these? Well I'd be doing quite a disfavour in attempting to articulate this with my imperfect vocabulary, but here goes. About 2 years ago, the counsellors of the fellowship opened up their wonderful cozy home on Sunday nights in order to share the Bible on a deeper level with those who were interested. It started off quite small and humble, with perhaps only about 3-4 students and Roger and Pam (our counsellors). These sessions would run quite deep, in that Roger who was very gifted in the knowledge and understanding of the Word would share from the bottom of his huge heart the promises and the gifts that were in store for us Christians. My attendance to these nights would be swayed by other committments, but some weeks I would just long to go and learn more about the Word.

Time passed and the studies became more of a Sunday night "meeting". The emphasis wouldn't be on just bible studies, but on worshipping, on prayer, on ministering to one another and to sharing the love of God. I remember Roger's ever famous comment, "If the Holy Spirit is putting something on your heart, it may not only be for you. It's for me as well. So don't hold it back. I want to know what God wants to say!" I guess that comment can scare many people away, including Christians, who normally their Christian lives are so shiny on the outside but are somewhat immaterial and spongy on the inside... I began to understand this ministry of sharing the power of the Holy Spirit with one another. I remember those days, coming with all these worries and problems and having the ministry of my brothers and sisters there.

Ever since first year, Roger would pin us on our view of worship. Often he would bash a lot of the Christian Worship out there for being "irrelevant", "old testament" songs, too much clinging onto the emotion of worship and very little on the truth of Worship. Besides... when we have no energy and desire to sing the words, "Lord you have my heart..." but instead singing truths like "No matter what, God's love prevails... that His Death on the Cross occured whether or not I wanted it to your not..." My view on what worship began to change. It was true. My definition of Worship was so limited. Slowly I started to embrace the Hymns for their never ending truth, and I discovered some truths I had never noticed before. I also began to understand Worship as being an expression of our ultimate purpose, not one necessarily through music, but one through ALL the faculties the Lord gave us. That's what we're here for. That's what we were created for, and that's what WE LONG to do. How often we can't because it seems so hard...

But it's not supposed to be hard. This is when I discovered, and came to the greatest discovery of my life thus far, that the VEIL HAS ALREADY BEEN TORN.

:: Jesse 1:18 AM

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Part 2 - The Tree Begins to Grow - WORSHIP (part 1 below)

I entered Western with all these ideals for what I could bring to the church and the fellowship. At that time, ACF was quite small. In fact, there were about only 15-20 people, compared to the 75-80 people that are currently part of the fellowship. I remember my first week, walking in, seeing Roger (our counsellor) and being freaked out my mind because of his serious attitude and cut-eye stares. At that time, Cliff was the president and worship leader. The worship back then was composed of only a guitar and a twanky Casio piano. It was hard on my ears, so I pressed forth to help out in any way possible. In my second week of ACF, even before the first official day of the school year commenced, I started serving in worship. It felt refreshing realizing I could help in such a big way and bring all that I knew into this humble fellowship. Not before long, I was almost leading in every meeting and implementing new and fresh songs that seemed to brighten up the meetings. I must admit, it felt quite good seeing the fruit of your ministry.

Having the chance to return to London Chinese Alliance Church after helping them in a short term missions trip in 1997, I immediately sought out to lead worship with my current roommate Rob Tsai every week. That clonky old grand piano and the basic Sunday Worship atmosphere (with only about 12 people in the congregation) gave me an opportunity to lead with confidence and consistency. It was definitely exhausting doing worship every Friday and usually on Sunday.

During the summer of my first year, God brought me to Yonge Street Mission, specifically the Christian Community Centre. This place was a gathering of many children of the inner city, where a few of us high schooler and university students would volunteer in leading the children in activities ranging from sports and crafts to bible stories and singspiration. Though I've always desired to lead children, I never had the opportunity until that summer. So, with the help of a guitar and some CD's, lively worship was a usual every day in that upper Chapel room: Jumping around for God, clapping, stomping, yelling... I remember watching a few of my brothers and sisters, such as Jennifer Hompoth, Albert Wu, Lillian Chan and Sam (Korean guy) who had such a simple and pure desire to love children and spend time with them. I never thought I would ever learn anything about worship myself when leading kids, but God showed me the simple songs like "Beautiful" and their simple words to remind me that worship was a simple expression of a simple thing: Love.

Before the summer came to an end, I purchased my "Lo Poh." Who is my "Lo Poh? (Wife in chinese)"? Well my original Vantage guitar saw its first major injury 3 months after I purchased her. I was playing on a concrete patio of all places in the summer, and while the strap was firmly attached to the neck of the guitar, the peg popped right out of the side of guitar and she went "Bang-Buh-Buh-Buh!" on the concrete (the buh buh buhs are the consequent bouncing of the edge of the guitar). She never sounded the same, with a huge crack along the edge that would vibrate during low frequencies in a distortion -type manner. But I picked up my new Lo Poh (never divorced my old one, she's here with me), a Norman B20 with a pickup built right in. I saw this as a wonderful tool in sharing the Lord's ministry. Little did I know that I would spend countless hours with her myself singing my own songs of joy in the future to my Lord.

My second year began at Western and I was worshipping with Rob more often than the year before. He just got his Yamaha P80 and the two of us got so into our toys that we obsessed (well at least I did) with setup and placement in our apartment. At one moment of time, we had 4 guitars (people left them), djembe, piano, and lots of amplifiers to boost the sound. It was exciting knowing that a popular Christian Band Simple Roots lived also in the apartment building. Oh how I longed to go down and ring their door bell just to "jam" with them.

Things began to change for me in my 2nd year. The Lord got a hold of me through a very dear sister of mine; Karyn Pong. Right from the very beginning, her desire for the Lord blew me right out of the water. I remember very clearly some of the things she would say, like, "Jesse, what's your favourite person/book in the bible?" She'd go on about Paul and the epistles, while I was left silent since I rarely read the Word on my own. All my bible knowledge was second hand up to that point. She'd dream on about doing missions in China while I struggled with just getting by every day without any dreams for the Lord. There is one thing that the Lord began to do in Karyn, and that was to redefine all my misconceptions of worship. There'd be some nights in which all we'd do was sing, share scripture, and pray... all in this tiny piano room in a residence. My conception of "jamming" up to this moment was gathering together with some very talented musicians (like Justis Kao!) and spend hours singing and harmonizing and feeling good and at peace with God amongst us. However, it never demanded that I focus on His Word, or hearing from Him, or praying openly to Him. Perhaps that's why I never use the word "jamming", because with it brings a misconception on what is actually happening during that time.

Slowly I got into reading the Word. It was hard I must admit, for someone who has only picked up ONE SINGLE novel in his whole entire life to read apart from school assignments. Worship at fellowship began to change however, in that I realized that I was getting better at leading. This however is the part where the story turns the wrong way. Since I had done worship for over 5 years up to that point, I began to feel a bit proud of my achievements and never gave credit to God in my heart. Hey... after 13 years of violin, that was a lost childhood where all your friends would be hanging out and doing stuff while you had to stay home and make up for all those hours you missed from the week before practicing!!! Though I never told God directly, in my heart I was saying, "This is MINE. I worked HARD for it."

Shortly after our North Carolina mission trip in 2001, things began to go extremely sour for me. The whole hero complex inside of me began to express itself as I attempted to bring all I knew into the church back at home. Sadly and surely enough, the ministry was fruitless. I got really really exhausted leading. I didn't feel revived in doing worship anymore. I was so frustrated with the way worship was lead by other people, my ears couldn't take anything that wasn't superb musically, and soon enough I hit that wall where I couldn't concentrate in worshipping anymore.

When my third year began, I slowly fell out of leading at LCAC and ACF. There would be those moments in which I would muster myself up to lead, but everytime, it either required ALL of my attention and efforts, and anything short of that seemed futile. And since I was lazy, preoccupied in other areas, I had no desire to train others, no desire to worship myself, and no desire to lead in any way. This began my unexpected road of "blahness" where I became numb to a lot of things around me. A lot of the relationships I had with others began to shrink in importance, I started to get more preoccupied with myself, and well, I wasn't quite a happy camper.

What on earth was happening???

:: Jesse 3:26 PM

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Wow. I have 4 more exams to go!

I can't believe that I will be returning to Toronto in a little over a week from now. Toronto (home) is, well, very distant in my mind after spending the last 2 years straight in London without returning home for the summer. I wish it weren't so but all of a sudden it seems like a whole new set of rules need to be followed, a whole new set of manners and expectations seem to be placed on my plate and a whole new brand of struggles begin to emerge.

Watching some classmates go home after their final exams, I saw some of my dear floormates from first year graduate from IVEY and dive immediately into the "real world". What is my real world? I hate to watch things around me change, and there's a part of everyone of us that wants to cling on to what was familiar in the past. There's also the moment that we pick up, say our farewells to our past, and march on into the future.

One of those challenges for me this summer will be discovering where on earth the Lord wants me to serve Him outside of London. I opted to serve in my church as worship leader, and there's a part of me that is terrified because of all the issues and concerns that take place, and there's a part of me that knows the Lord will bring me through. It's only natural after being away from one's home church that they compare and contrast what they've experienced elsewhere. It's always been my struggle with this "hero complex" (hahah Smallville!) that wants to bring the power of Spirit of God to all those I serve, but I must realize that it's by God's own timing and Spirit that brings about change and light unto His people. Sure I can pound truth, sure I can highlight testimonies and wondrous works, but if the Lord ain't behind my moves, then my motives though good will be fruitless.

This is time to share what I've discovered as a worshipper of God. I'll probably write this over a series of entries.

PART 1: The Roots of my Worship
Back in 1995, I had little understanding of what worship meant. The ministry at NTCBC was just beginning and I watched some older brothers and sisters get engaged in this exciting ministry. One of those brothers was Arthur Wong, who currently is at Jaffray Alliance Church training to be a pastor. When I was about 15 years old, that brother leant me his guitar. This guitar was vintage. It was the 9th Suzuki ever made, with flower power stickers all over it and extremely rusty strings and pegs that would be functionless in tuning. In addition though, he let me borrow his own Yamaha Folk guitar for a week along with a guitar book. It was in that book that I learned my fundamental chords, fingering and picking, all within that first week I borrowed his guitar. At this time I had yet to even realize what on earth worship meant other than the music was good and I felt at peace singing: In His Time.

1996 rolled around and I picked up my first guitar ever. It was a Vantage Folk Guitar, with Silk and Steel strings, semi gloss finish and full body build. This guitar rang in at about $225 and set me up for my service in Youth Group. Watching and learning eagerly under Bernard Lo, Jensen Tan and Arthur Wong, I began to pick up "worship strumming". Having gone through many treacherous years of violin and theory, rhythm wasn't that hard to pick up, but maintaining it during an actual worship session was quite tough. I remember my first song, "I give thanks", almost sped up to twice the tempo during a Friday night program.

Soon enough, after the older guys had left the fellowship, I became the weekly worship leader. My understanding of worship was limited only to: Appropriate number of songs to sing, how to clap on the 2 and 4 of the beat (backbeat), which ones were "nice" and brought people into the proper mood, and a good order to bring about the "flow". All these I look back in retrospect to be quite liberating, but also quite methological and saps the Spirit right out of worship. I still remember a workshop I had to lead at London Chinese Alliance Church during our mission trip in 1997 on how to conduct proper worship. To think I even knew all the bells and whistles about worship!

I had yet to lead a congregation because I was quite intimidated by Sunday services and the structure required to worship in. I began to play violin, but honestly, it's difficult worshipping with an instrument that Royal Conservatory and the money you put into the lessons forces you to play absolutely perfectly and any deviation from that is a disaster. Now I understand why some people can never make the transition of Royal Conservatory piano to worship piano.

My understanding of the concept of worship was still quite simple. Sure, I knew what songs brought about a heart of repentance, and what songs brought about a heart of joy, but these were still songs written by another person and lyrics derived from someone's own walk with the Lord. I began to attempt to write songs for the Lord, but they were only a replica of the many templates out there. In 1998, I began to soley listen to Christian music, such as the artists Steven Curtis Chapman. Oh how I longed to write lyrics that spoke the same truth that were bursting inside of me but the pressure would never be released.

During my final year of high school, I played in bigger "Christian events". Of course, these events instantly blow up your ego and soon enough I found myself quite statisfied with that wondrous feeling of the limelight and attention. This would prove to be one my greatest barriers to worship down the road.

1999 came around, I said a temporary goodbye to my church and all that I had done and learned there, and I headed off to Western. Little did I know what the Lord had in store for me there!!!

:: Jesse 12:46 PM

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:: Jesse 10:27 PM

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It's incredible when lightning comes. Billy says it sounds like the Angels are playing some ten pin bowling. I see it rather as God practicing His signature.

:: Jesse 10:18 PM

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:: Jesse 8:36 PM

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Ellen and I pumping our muscles after popping some spinach. Nah... actually we just finished our exam.

YES! Operative exam is OVER! Gosh... there goes another hectic and stressful exam. Can you believe that during this exam, if we even nick another tooth when drilling or nick somewhere on the tooth, we get damage and we almost instantly fail? Aiya.

Studying these days has been quite... well... relaxing... Billy and I find ourselves studying to the sweet sounds of Michael W. Smith over some Timmy's at Central. Too bad this place closes so freaking early... otherwise we'd be there till 1am.


As you can see, we get a lot of work done. So does "Poogie" according to Karyn.


Karyn looking extremely mong cha cha.


Jasper, Joanne, Billy and I after eating at "Nooners". Not "Hooters". Nooners. They serve GOOD lunch there.

:: Jesse 10:27 PM

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