:: Thursday, December 18, 2003 ::

It's incredible to see how much can happen in a matter of days.

I'm back in Markham, in my room, and my chinchilla is here once again keeping me up at night. On the unfortunate side, I went through yet again another episode of bad unexplainable health. On Monday night, I slept a total of 15 minutes. Not to my choice, but to a horrible stomach, fever and violent vomitting. This is the 2nd time it's happened this semester. Docs say it's stress induced. I guess it gets stressful when you have an exam first thing in the morning and everytime you look at the clock time is running out for a good night's rest and just like that a night of insomnia occurs.

So I missed my final exam. Now there's a possibility I'd have to go back to London to write it. No worries... all joys and blessings! I had a wonderful chat with a pre-med on the greyhound, a splendid dinner with my rents and now I have the luxury of having someone take care of my laundry (acccckkk).

On a positive note, actually a huge highlight, I'm going to URBANA! 3 years ago I was so psyched to go, but a week prior to departure I discovered that my grandmother had passed away and it was extremely dishonouring of me to go. 3 years later I found myself at quite a crossroad of believing "if God wanted me on missions or to do His work, I would have no choice to go cuz it's His will" vs "I'm willing myself to obey". Many signs and heart strings being pulled later, God endured on, even convincing my parents.. (He's not done yet... but this is one step closer)...

Yay... now just gotta find a way to get there.

:: Jesse 1:48 AM

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Rob installed this new fan for his computer. He complained that his old one was too loud. I think this one is capable of time travel.

:: Jesse 11:03 PM

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Yay... 3 exams, 3 more to go!

I've been studying at Medical Sciences for the past week, and well productivity as of last night has gone down to 35%. So I've decided to switch my studying patterns once again. Why has it gone down to 35%? Here's proof. This is what happens in the M rooms in the basement.



Too much coffee... Cheryl agrees.



These M room doors are so stubborn... why won't they open???



Timbits just won't do anymore. Anita's head is much more appetizing.

:: Jesse 10:53 PM

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Yay... 1 exam down, 5 more to go!

This exam period has been the most relaxing of the ones I have ever been through. Why? There just seems to be so much time this year to think and reflect. So good. Last night I got a phone call from Mike Mak who came up to visit me in London. Not only was it his first time up, it was totally unexpected. Though 45 minutes isn't much, it's a lifetime since we seldomly see each other. Soooo good. Moments like that bring in so much thankfulness and joy.

Studying in medical sciences is awesome. No more fighting for tables, no more fighting for power outlets, no more graffiti on tables, no more chitty chatty people around... now I get to do all those things myself! hahahaha muhahahahahaha.

:: Jesse 10:19 AM

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Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art
Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

How quickly one forgets.

I've found once again my reason and purpose for why I'm in dentistry. It's all for the glory of God.

It's so useless trying to memorize things that we learn. I'm studying using total short term memory and trying to remember what they look like on a piece of paper. How useless. I was talking to a med student the other day, who go by a pass fail system. It gives them the freedom to learn what they really want to learn and not be obsessed about trying to get the highest mark possible. What good is memorizing something and getting a 90, and days later forgetting what I've learned? No value. I'm determined to take this exam period in attempts to glorify God in what I learn... to take what I feel that I should keep and grasp it and take it in.

I constantly forget the blessing that God poured forth for me to be here, and how He demands my soul, my life, my all...

:: Jesse 11:08 AM

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:: Jesse 11:07 PM

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I'm coming into a deeper understanding of things. It just so conveniently falls in with the rest of my studying and exam cramming.

I've been discovering more and more what it means to be a follower of Christ daily. I've been quite an emotional disciple ever since I can remember. I was actively seeking gifts, actively seeking to hear from the Lord, and yearning from experience to experience. It was beyond the "highs of retreats and conferences" since I was looking for deeper things like the Lord speaking more intimately and personally, but I craved those times when God would do something himself.

I craved the moments in which God would reveal something without me having to try and figure it out. I'd equate His faithfulness to times that I knew for sure without a doubt that He was working in my life.

I've come to realize this that those moments, as wonderful as they are and as inspiring and encouraging as they are, are not the basis of a relationship with Christ. The other day, I heard Roger (my counsellor) say something like this: If I were to write down all the times that God spoke to me personally and gave me revelation from above, I would only be able to write a page. On the other hand, if I were to write how it affected me and how I went on in faith, I would never be able to stop writing.

Roger is a wise and "elderly" Christian who has been walking faithfully with the Lord for 30 years. In 30 years he can only write down the times God spoke directly to him all on just one page. That made me realize that the rest of the time we are to walk and claim the promises in the bible with faith. God doesn't have to reveal it in some huge revelation or ground breaking shattering BOOM, but instead He has given us all the promises already and it's up to us to work them out and claim them in our lives.

This is something I've been struggling to pursue. I know what I have to do in my mind. I know what is expected of me, what I'm supposed to do. It's just that I'd rather God come and tell me or whisper to me or make concrete what I need to do... kinda like a confirmation. But something that I learned last night at Sunday night bible study is that God has given us all the "tools", all the abilities and a new spirit of mind to carry these out in the Spirit. Basically, because of Christ's doing in my life already, I can do these things in faith, not needing some revelation to carry me through.

It's so refreshing everytime I hear it again, that God's Spirit is sufficient for me.

This puts my Christmas into perspective. Ahh.... how every year I fear and dread Christmas. I get all self-absorbed into what I want to get done during the Christmas (see friends, see family, relax, a time of rest I deserve), end up getting so discouraged when none of that happens, and on Christmas eve I always get this huge whack in the face when I realize how selfish I am in wanting all these things instead of concentrating on the real meaning of Christmas. Every year things change more and more back in Toronto, and more and more I start losing what has always been constant in my life. I'm starting to realize that God is the only constant in my life... my family will not always be around, friends may come and go, but the Lord is so constant in my life. I know these things... so it's a choice whether or not to believe in them and not let my other concerns and selfish ambitions overtake me this holiday season... since I have the ability to overcome them.

Yeesh... now back to studying for me exams.

:: Jesse 12:37 PM

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