:: Thursday, January 27, 2005 ::
An entry from my journal, some day in December, 2001
NUMB. Why? I want to be used by God again. How much I wanna go to the mountain top and meet with God. How much I want to love God again, not be ashamed by my necklace. How much I wanna love God, to shut everything else out, perhaps fast and search my Lord. Jesus, I have grown so numb because I lost my faith that you would do something amazing in me. Lord I feel quite pathetic that it required a friend to help me realize this. I've lost my desire to worship you. I've lost what it meant to live my life for you, and I've grown so numb to it. I remember what Joe once said about reading the bible, and how we've grown so accustomed to just doing fine without it.
I hate the sense of no importance, in how the days and hours just go by so senselessly. I'm feeling so guilty about the sins I've committed.
God, I'm asking for your Spirit to fill me once again. I miss the desire of your heart in mine. I don't want to say empty prayers, sing empty songs, say empty words. I want to be on the mountain with you God, to that secret place, that quiet place reserved for you and no one else, where the world stops and all I think about is You. Is this why my year has been so numb? Has my life been numb thus far? Is this why God hasn't blessed me? Am I holding back?
I want the desires once again.
It's incredible how the Lord speaks the same things to people in different times in their lives.
:: Jesse 11:28 PM
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I have never seen the Lord move in such a powerful way before:: Monday, January 24, 2005 ::
Quite a statement to make! But finally... finally I was able to see the labour of prayer turn into fruit... and in abundance! And when the Lord decides when His time is, it is PERFECT.
This past weekend was the ACF winter retreat. This was my 11th retreat, and by this time, I already had my share of expectations of what would happen. I'd expect that we'd have fun in the snow, we would have some good sharing by a few brothers and sisters, have fun playing sports in the barn, get a chance to laugh a bit, read the bible and share with small group, and spend time in the morning praying. Sounds pretty good, pretty challenging, and something to look forward to. We'd always pray beforehand that the Lord would do something in people's hearts, and He always would.
So why was this retreat any different? Why have I never seen the Lord move in such a powerful way before? I don't have many answers, it could be the fervent prayer of many people in the past for the Lord to move... it could be the right time the Lord was prepping people's hearts... but regardless, PRAISE THE LORD! His Spirit wasn't just "moving" in us, it was "consuming" us! I am still hearing the aftermath of stories filled with personal revelation of God, revelation of what decisions and priorities they have to change, and revelation about where they want to go. And as Yun Ping said, people look different. You see them, you remember what they were like before... but now it's different. It's not like they changed their hairstyle or something, or smile all the time and are giddy or anything, but something essential has changed in the way they look, and I can only give the Lord all the glory for doing that.
As for me, I was so engulfed in the Lord's blessing for letting me see with my two eyes and experience the love of God flowing from one person to another, to the point where there was no distinguishing fator between guy and girl, young or old, new or existing members, new or long standing Christian... it was the ultimate, ULTIMATE display of unity when the Spirit makes us ONE. Wow. And the echo still cries out... Why does it have to stop at retreat. The answer is, it doesn't.
The love that is shared among a community of believers is fueled by not only the Holy Spirit, but a genuine desire and active will of the body to have this at all times. The enemy is skillful at destroying this, and we must not give in to defeat and compromise. This love is what drives us to give all that we are to one another, share in our possessions, support in prayer... the list goes on.
What I also realize is that the Lord has been working ever since all this has happened. He has such a grand master view of everything and plan for all of us. Saturday night was a climax of love and the Spirit moving, but it does not mean that anything beforehand was unwarranted, or if people did not move on with the Lord as others did, that it isn't unwarranted either. But Saturday night was so cool... open praise, communal prayer and power, sharing of testimonies one after another after another after another of different, yet common in their importance and glory to the Lord... Our God is an awesome God who is not defined by one people group, one personality or one method.
Praise the Lord, He is doing it in the women, He's doing in the men's group (YEAH - WEDNESDAY CELL- boooya) ... He's doing it in people all around. And oh boy... the men's cell this year has been so SWEET... I praise the Lord that He's provided such a group of men who want to seek the Lord as well. HALLELUJAH!!!
:: Jesse 1:36 PM
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:: Tuesday, January 04, 2005 ::
Looks like ACF winter retreat photos are up... oh boy... this is what happens when you leave your camera unattended. Photos are available on my gallery website.
:: Jesse 6:52 PM
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Thanks Rob for hosting an awesome NY eve party! Chris got a chance to cream him him a bit!
:: Jesse 10:04 PM
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And Rob tries to retaliate.
:: Jesse 10:03 PM
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HAPPPPPPY NEW YEAR!!!!
:: Jesse 10:03 PM
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Joe, Karyn and Cheryl enjoying a deep X-Box moment.
:: Jesse 10:02 PM
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Jessica in deep deep thought...
:: Jesse 10:01 PM
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Matthea and her blueberry. She laughs like a maniac. Back from BC for a bit and even more crazy.
:: Jesse 10:01 PM
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Jess and Kevin enjoying their nice nice dessert.
:: Jesse 10:00 PM
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Justin and Cal... gotta love their expressions.
:: Jesse 9:59 PM
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Woohoo! Vicky is adding lots and lots of choy to the pot for the boys.
:: Jesse 9:58 PM
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Even cuter... baby Xavier with baby bandana. That's Angela, the lucky mom.
:: Jesse 9:57 PM
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Yay! Baby Xavier looks so cute in his asian attire. I went up to Ottawa to visit them this holiday... he's SO FAT now.
:: Jesse 9:56 PM
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Welcome to my family. This is a shot taken from my digital camera and some in-house portrait lighting. Top L-R: Emily (cousin), Dad, Mom, Serena (sister). Bottom L-R: Uncle, Aunt, me.
:: Jesse 9:54 PM
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